Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
