who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
