can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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