My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
