how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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