They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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