Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
