I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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