and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
