yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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