I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
