I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
