I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Houston, we have a blender
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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