My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
