im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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