I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
