and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
