My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
