Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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