If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
