My hand turned me down
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
