Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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