My underwear smells like fireworks.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
