Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
