my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
