i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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