I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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