naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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