i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
