How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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