I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
