Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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