Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Randomize
