i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
