It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
