I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
