If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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