how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
