yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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