I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
