Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Congratulations! We have a period
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