my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
