Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
