I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
