i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
