I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
