I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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