Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
