youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
