a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
me + whiskey = a bad person
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
