Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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