Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
