Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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