Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
