she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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