i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize