This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My penis needs a shock collar
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
