i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
