Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize