You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
