Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
