you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
