Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
