There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its not stalking. its research.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We have started to decorate penises.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
