I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
